Moviesucktastic #72: Van Helsing (and John Travolta's Penis)

Promoting "Staying Alive" in Sweden (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Welcome to another news-driven episode of Moviesucktastic, hosted by two guys who probably spend a bit too much time talking about movies and making thinly-veiled romantic overtures at one another. In this latest installment you'll hear a movie review full of spite and malice, and playful coverage of some TMZ-worthy scandal sheet news that has Joey and Scott giggling more than Mitt Romney talking about bullying gay high school students.

This week, news that the dreaded Hollywood Machine (or, as John Travolta would say, "Homosexual Jews") was contemplating a Tom Cruise-starring remake of the not-even-a-decade old Stephen Sommers debacle of a Universal Monsters homage, Van Helsing. The mutual disgust felt by your faithful film review podcast hosts has never been disguised or concealed, yet the film has never garnered an official full-bore MST review, so this dreadful soul-withering news seemed like a perfect opportunity to follow up on our hatred for Van Helsing by spitting a little venomous bile in its general direction.

But first, Entertainment Industry News! And what would entertainment news be without vile, salacious rumors and accusations leveled against a popular A-List actor? Usually, that would be this show. However, news of recent charges of sexual assault leveled against John Travolta of The Experts fame that breath life into past accusations of the Swordfish star's closeted homosexuality, and so The Movie Guys decided to run with the story. Not because of the supposed scandal that claiming the co-star of Look Who's Talking is secretly gay is supposed to evoke, nor the fact that it is yet another (yawn) Hollywood celebrity sex scandal.

No, instead, we decided to run with the story based solely on the fact that the publicized text from the actual lawsuit spends an inordinate amount of time describing various aspects of John Travolta's penis, demonstrates the awkward sexual advances of a film star normally portrayed on screen in films like Perfect as a smooth operator, and includes accusations that he was forced to perform gay sex acts to secure the role of Vinnie Barbarino on Welcome Back, Kotter. (Scott's money is on Gabe Kaplan).

But fear not! We don't spend too much time on John Travolta's penis, as our recent re-watching of Van Helsing is more than enough to leave one feeling used and violated. Between Hugh Jackman's hair extensions and John Travolta's penis, there is plenty in this week's episode to leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Tune in and listen to the show on iTunes (be sure to leave us some more awesome reviews!) and Stitcher (for Smartphone and BMW owners alike), or watch the video version of the show over at Livestream (including LIVE RECORDINGS every Thursday night starting around 8PM). Of course, you can listen and/or watch us from the Moviesucktastic Site as well, which includes links to other online locations of MST goodness. While you're at it, visit us on Facebook and Twitter so we don't get too lonely.

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• John Travolta "lumbered to his feet (his) erect penis bouncing around with his stride."
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• Tom Cruise to replace Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing
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There Are No Bad Movies, Just Bad Podcast Hosts!

Moviesucktastic Episode #26 goes live today, and with its release, two milestones in Moviesucktastic history are reached! Not only does this episode feature the first-ever Moviesucktastic Interview, it is also the first episode of Moviesuckastic to be released without an 'Explicit' rating! That's right; not only did we bring a fresh new voice and viewpoint into the MST domain, we also managed to prevent Scott from flinging vulgarities a F-bombs around for an entire recording session. The string of expletives he releases in future episodes will no doubt make up the difference. 

The multi-talented artist/actor/singer/writer John Dimes, aka Dr. Sarcofiguy (the first and only African American Horror Host), author of the books Coincidissonance and The White Corpse Hustle: A Guide for the Fledgeling Vampire, joined the Movie Guys via the latest high-tech, state-of-the-art phone conferencing technology (Scott propped his Droid X against the microphone) to discuss his latest book, There Are No Bad Movies! (Only Bad Audiences). In the book, John argues that all films merit approval on some level, and that people who nitpick and complain about the trivial flaws and minutia only distract from the overall entertainment value that the films are trying to provide. Proving to be both bold and brave, the author decided to give his pro-movie manifesto the ultimate test by offering up a review an interview by two people who seem to be dedicated to nothing more than trashing and complaining about films.

That would be us.

Armed with only his wit, charm, charisma, and an extensive knowledge of cinema, Dr. Dimes faced off against his mortal enemies in order to defend his position that film critics like Joey and Scott have only themselves to blame for the hardships they endure sitting through films like Alone in the Dark and Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

Surprisingly enough (or not so surprisingly - we can be nice guys as long as you're not a filthy Avatar Fanatic), Mr. Dimes and the Movie Guys actually ended up agreeing more than disagreeing. Whether obsessed with bad films or convinced that all movies are good, movie lovers are still movie lovers, and the common ground between these two opposing forces of film criticism proved to be as vast as the failure of James Cameron's Sanctum. What was meant to be a half-hour interview turned into an almost two-hour conversation about everything cinematic under the sun. Tom Cruise, Nicolas Cage, Star Wars, Troll 2, Dakota Fanning, nothing was deemed as off limits - until John listed Van Helsing as one of his favorite films. Joey and Scott politely bowed out in order to prevent the show from going into overtime, but promised to dedicate an entire future episode to their thoughts and opinions on that particular Hugh Jackman contribution to The Arts.

Fun was had by all in the end, and the differences in opinions were dulled by a mutual love of films, making for fantastic conversation and a great episode. We enjoyed having Dr. Sarcofiguy on so much, we are planning on holding him to his promise to come back on the show when his upcoming CD, Demo Demons, is finally released. Until that day arrives, be sure to checkout his book, and to listen to our lengthy interview with him in Episode #26, the John Dimes Interview Episode. You can download it from iTunes, Podcast Alley, Podcast.com or streamed directly at MovieSucktastic.com. And if you happen to swing by Amazon and pick up a copy of John's book, be sure to let him know that the Movie Guys over at Moviesucktastic sent you.

Related articles

• Mark Wahlberg Admits That The Happening Was A Bad Movie (cinemablend.com)
• Katie Holmes Upset By Bad Movie Press (socialitelife.com)
• How the star of Troll 2 stopped worrying and learned to love being in the worst movie of all time [Interview] (io9.com)

LEAKED! X-Men Origins Wolverine

As most of you may or may not know, there is a copy of the X-Men Origins Wolverine making its rounds on the internet. Word around the campfire say this is a Workprint and is VERY good quality. If you're not in the know of what a Workprint is, it's an unfinished loosely edited version of the film which is usually used for screening purposes or to show the big wigs how their money is being spent and or wasted on.

It's also said that this copy has like many Workprint films CGI markers. Basically what this means is you'll actually see parts of the film that are supposed to have special effects but instead there will be shots of basically "Put stuff here" flags. There have been talks of re-shoots and added scenes and this copy is NOT supposed to reflect that. This is supposed to be 14 minutes shorter than the final cut of the film destined for theaters. This intrigues me immensely. I would love to see this copy and then see the finalized cut. It's the ultimate special edition comparison no one will ever see. How is it paced here and how will it be done in the new cut? What was better in the original and what could have been done better in the new cut? You get the idea. Not many will see this Workprint, that is unless you know your way around a keyboard and few P2P sites you're golden.

This comes as a major shock to the studios and the news as the film is slated for a May 1, 2009 release. It's expected to rake in HUGE bucks and with the release of this Workprint guess what? IT STILL IS. Even if the stories are true about the re-shoots and the added shoots, that the story and plot needs work, the fact that Ryan Reynolds has been given a major role in the film to iron out the kinks or that this will be sold on every street corner in NYC, it doesn't matter. People will flock to this movie like stink on a Pink Panther sequel anyway.