Monday, November 21, 2011

Moviesucktastic #52: Batman Returns, 11-11-11

Welcome to Moviesucktastic #52, brought to you by the classic crime drama 52 Pick-Up.

This episode, Joey and Scott delve into the dark recesses of the new film 11-11-11. Not since Friday the 13th has a premier-weekend-opening-date-specific titled film been so eagerly anticipated by an audience thrilled by the mere concept of seeing a film in a theater on the date scrawled across the marquee! Does the film have anything to offer besides a conveniently coincidental release date and title? If by "anything" you mean moments of spine-tingling terror emanating from the masterfully crafted screenplay of a taught theological thriller, then the answer is a sad, whimpering "no."

But not so fast! Before delving into the Land of Elevens, The Movie Guys (Joey and Scott) examine the top ten box office hits of the past week, weighing in on the hits and misses, adding their own entries into this week's Finger List, and inexplicably remembering that episode of Silver Spoons in which a young Rick Schroder dressed up in drag so he could accompany his lonely friend on a date.



But not so fast! Before they can get hip-deep in pseudo-numerology, Scott diverges onto a path leading towards bitter rage and indignation. Having recently bumped into one of those vile, soulless bastards trolling the internet and acting like complete ass-hats whenever they should stumble upon those whose opinions differ from theirs (you know the type), Scott taps into his reserve of Post-Avatar-Aggression and swings long and hard at the Facebook loser who dared to imply that his dislike of the Tim Burton travesty Batman Returns disqualified him from being able to call himself a "Film Buff."

Knowing better than to get in the way of one of Scott's tirade's, Joey steps back and lets Scott take over for a lengthy and unapologetic rant against Batman Returns and those Facebook fiends who would dare question his film criticism credentials while defending such a steaming pile of cinema. Just to show they play fair, the Moviesucktastic Hotline number is given out, along with an invitation for Scott's newest reel rival to call in and defend his honor.Let us hope he takes the bait.


Finally, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, Joey and Scott wearily descend upon this week's feature review, the tragically boring and poorly crafted 11-11-11, written and directed by Saw II, III and IV director Darren Lynn Bousman, and forever tainting the sterling reputation of the Saw film franchise. Joey and Scott spend a great deal of time struggling to come to terms with how hackneyed and cliche the film's plot is, how badly and ham-fisted the dialogue is, and how non-frightening the multitude of cat-in-closet scares were overall. In fact, according to Scott, the creepiest part of the entire film is how in-depth Joey became with spotting the instances of the number eleven being surgically implanted into the film's background. If you can't tell how this one ends after the fifteen minutes, you might be the same guy who defended Batman Returns as a work of cinematic genius. Scott ends their sad look back at 11-11-11 by recommending a good film involving evil religious cults, The Nameless.


As with previous episodes, the show wraps up with yet another installment of Scott's Sucktastic Theater, in which he continues reading from the novel which served as the inspiration for the film Gymkata, Dan Tyler Moore's The Terrible Game.

"Jonathan could literally feel the wild nervous energy of his pony."

This episode of Moviesucktastic is available on iTunes and Zune, or on Podcast PicklePodcast Pup and Pod FeedIf you are on the go, you can stream it on the fly directly onto your smart phone using the sweet-ass Stitcher App. And, as always, you can also download or listen to the show streaming at Moviesucktastic.com.

And while you're at it, be sure to drop us a voice mail on the Moviesucktastic Hotline908-514-4470. Especially feel free to call in if Scott spent half of the episode calling you a jackass. This means you, CA.

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Friday, November 11, 2011

Moviesucktastic #51: Action Jackson

Film poster for Action Jackson - Copyright 198...Image via Wikipedia
In the tradition of Formula 51, Planet 51, Dossier 51, and of course, Area 51, Moviesucktastic brings you: Episode #51! For this landmark episode (our very first fifty-first episode!), Joey and Scott tackle the man of the hour, a tower of power, and cool Detroit cop all the ladies want to be frisked by, the one and only Action Jackson!

The Movie Guys start off the show with some industry news, discussing Brett Ratner's unceremonious removal as Producer of the 84th Annual Academy Awards show due to his "Rehearsals are for fags" comment (proving that he chooses his words as carefully as he chooses films to direct, i.e X-Men: The Last Stand, Red Dragon, Rush Hour, Rush Hour 2, Rush Hour 3), and Twilight-meets-Grimm fairy tale film adaptation Snow White and the Huntsman, in which the Huntsman not only refuses to kill Snow White, but trains her for combat to defend herself (proving that Hollywood can take even a classic story already told hundreds of times and weigh it down even further with a tired premise).


After this brief look at the dismal state of affairs regarding upcoming releases, all eyes turn to the indomitable Action Jackson! Don't let the carbon-copy James Bond movie poster fool you: Sgt. Jericho "Action" Jackson is no 007. No sir, this tough as nails Detroit cop doesn't play Blackjack and sip martinis, he plays dominoes and cracks open big cans of whoop-ass, all while spending as much time shirtless as humanly possible. The future city of Detroit might need a Robocop to protect it, but the only thing this modern day Motor City needs to stop the evil plans of Auto Magnate Craig T. Nelson (and do you really need a reason to want to see someone beat the living snot out of Craig T. Nelson?) is an Oh-No Cop, as in Oh No You Didn't! Or, as Action Jackson would say: "How do you like your ribs?" Just be warned: whatever you do, don't piss him off.


The show wraps up with yet another installment of Scott's Sucktastic Theater, in which he continues reading from the novel which served as the inspiration for the film Gymkata, Dan Tyler Moore's The Terrible Game. For good measure, Scott and Joey share some quick stories pant-less about mutual friend Buszna before signing off.

This episode of Moviesucktastic is available on iTunes and Zune, or on Podcast PicklePodcast Pup and Pod FeedIf you are on the go, you can stream it on the fly directly onto your smart phone using the sweet-ass Stitcher App. And, as always, you can also download or listen to the show streaming at Moviesucktastic.com.

And while you're at it, be sure to drop us a voice mail on the Moviesucktastic Hotline908-514-4470. Just don't talk no jive, unless you're prepared for some Jackson Action.

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Thursday, November 10, 2011

Moviesucktastic #50: Dungeons & Dragons, Severed: Forest of the Dead

Dungeons & Dragons (film)Image via WikipediaMilestones are often causes for celebration. Anniversaries are frequently marked as joyous occasions. But for Joey & Scott, the fearless hosts of Moviesucktastic, the recording of episode #50 of their podcast dedicated to the contemplation and appreciation of awful cinema brings with only more pain, suffering, and human degradation. Instead of passing around party favors and pointy hats, the Movie Guys broke out the twenty-sided dice and flannel shirts for a double feature of crappy movies.

For those of you who thought that the upcoming Battleship was the first epic film based on a game, the Movie Guys cover the adaptation that role-playing game geeks have struggled to forget for years, the regretful Dungeons & Dragons. This failure to successfully cash in on the trademark of a cultural marketing phenomenon, rivaled only by the dismal Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie, features the questionable performances of the overacting Jeremy Irons, the overestimated Justin Whalin, the overly annoying Marlon Wayans, and a supporting cast of people who should have known better (with the possible exception of Richard O'Brien, who pretty much exists in his own unique cinematic world). Bonus points for the appearance of Lee Arenberg, who starred as a disgusting bald dwarf warrior before going on to take on the role of everyone's favorite disgusting bald pirate in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Minus points for blue lipstick.


After this abysmal dungeon crawl, Scott consumed a bottle (or two, or three) of basement-brewed wine before following Joey into the thick, overgrown jungle of disappointing zombie films that is Severed: Forest of the Dead. When you hear Lumberjacks and Environmental Activists vs. Zombies, do you think Chainsaws, Bulldozers, and Picket Signs driven through zombified skulls? Then prepare to be disappointed as you slog through this week's Moviesucktastic Home Game selection, brought streaming into your homes by the money-grubbing bastards at Netflix. Despite the tantalizing promise that this low-budget horror film will deliver an "undead gore fest that makes a run-in with a wood chipper seem tame," the closest you'll get to any real gore is when you claw your eyes out from sheer boredom during the riveting dinner-table conversation scenes.


This episode of Moviesucktastic is available on iTunes and Zune, or on Podcast PicklePodcast Pup and Pod FeedIf you are on the go, you can stream it on the fly directly onto your smart phone using the sweet-ass Stitcher App. And, as always, you can also download or listen to the show streaming at Moviesucktastic.com.

And while you're at it, be sure to drop us a voice mail on the Moviesucktastic Hotline908-514-4470. Leave a review or recommend a bad movie for us to watch. We're always open to suggestions.


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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Coming Attractions: Action Jackson (1988)

Film poster for Action Jackson - Copyright 198...Image via WikipediaComing up in episode #51 of Moviesucktastic, Joey and Scott weather the Carl Weathers vehicle Action Jackson, a sad and futile attempt of late 1980s filmmakers to recreate the gritty, hardcore magic of black exploitation cinema classics such as Richard Roundtree's Shaft, and make Carl "Expendable Co-Star" Weathers a leading man.

Don't let the carbon-copy James Bond movie poster fool you: Sgt. Jericho "Action" Jackson is no 007. No sir, this tough as nails Detroit cop doesn't play Blackjack and sip martinis, he plays dominoes and cracks open big cans of whoop-ass, all while spending as much time shirtless as humanly possible. The future city of Detroit might need a Robocop to protect it, but the only thing this modern day Motor City needs to stop the evil plans of Auto Magnate Craig T. Nelson (and do you really need a reason to want to see someone beat the living snot out of Craig T. Nelson?) is an Oh-No Cop, as in Oh No You Didn't! Or, as Action Jackson would say: "How do you like your ribs?"

On a positive note, this is probably one of the few films in which Carl Weathers doesn't die. (Does that qualify as a spoiler?)


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Thursday, November 3, 2011

Where the Boys Are

Can't Stop the MusicImage via Wikipedia

"The cool thing about the Village People is that they sang songs that were very much like negro spirituals. The spirituals were actually intended/invented as "maps" or "directions" for whatever freed slave happen to be in hiding nearby for safe passage to where ever they wished to go. Village People? Same thing. If you wanted to know where to find a nice fella, you could go either to the YMCA, or go In The Navy, or you could Go West."


- John Dimes, author of There Are No Bad Movies, in regards to a facebook discussion about Can't Stop the Music.



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