Moviesucktastic

Friday, August 21, 2009

A-List Stars Flailing at the Box Office? Try Again.

It's the bold new declaration being screamed across the Entertainment pages and segments of

LOS ANGELES - OCTOBER 29: Actors Denzel Washi...

the news media today: Highly respected movie stars, usually considered huge box-office draws, are suddenly failing to bring in the big bucks when their highly anticipated films hit the big screen. With films like Funny People, Land of the Lost, Angels and Demons, Public Enemies, and The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 not performing as well as expected, the powers that be behind the scene are blaming their current understanding of who the top box-office performers are.

The only problem with this allegation? It is complete and utter crap.

Scapegoating might not be new or unusual in Hollywood, but this is the kind that insults everybody. Did these movies do poorly because of their stars? No, of course not. They did poorly because they were either uninspired remakes or sequels hoping to cash in on a previously existing successful franchise (brace yourself, because that is all you are going to see in theaters come the summer of 2010), or simply didn't inspire people with the subject matter at hand. But this would be admitting that Hollywood was wrong. No, it can't be the fault of the heavy hand of the studios

Image via Wikipedia

bankrolling these films. It must be because American audiences have soured on a particular actor or actress, and are now avoiding that star like a former boyfriend at a New Year's Eve party.

This same argument was used against Tom Cruise during the late part of his past slew of releases, and despite how much you don't like Mr. Scientology, it isn't a sound argument. Did audiences really hold back on investing their box-office dollars on Mr. Risky Business because of his unorthodox antics? Of course not! People didn't shun Mission Impossible 3 because the leading star flipped on Oprah Winfrey's couch and reads Dianetics religiously. They shunned it because they were already sick to death of the franchise and listened to the horrible critical response.

You want an example of how much American movie-goers don't actually care about tabloid scandals? Mel Gibson. The Passion of the Christ makes more money than God, but just as Mel's the new favorite golden boy, he gets caught up in a huge antisemitic drunk-driving scandal. In fact, I think it was the first ever combination DUI/Antisemitism

Cover via Amazon

incident ever. That's Mel, always ahead of the curve.

So, Mel not only cruises around under the influence, but he hates the Jews as well. This would be the perfect excuse for audiences to avoid paying to see his upcoming Apocalypto, beyond the fact that it is all subtitles and brown people. But the movie did extremely well, with no apparent boycott of the personality behind the film. Why? Because it was a good movie.

This is the blame game that constantly kills our chances of getting decent films made and delivered by the Hollywood Dream Machine. The latest star-studded blockbuster release had a more than lackluster opening weekend? It couldn't be because the script was drab, boring, or intellectually insulting to a five-year-old with ADD, or that the direction and set design was either over-the-top or uninspired. No, it must be because the lead actress is losing her "Box Office Appeal."

I just caught the trailer for Sandra Bullock's new upcoming romantic comedy, All About Steve:

I would like to make a prediction on this one. This movie will not do well, and when the "lackluster" opening weekend numbers are release, studio heads and those in control of green lighting this kind of crap will not admit that it didn't do well because it is obviously an unsuccessful attempt at some kind of half-ass American stab at a Bridget Jones romantic comedy with a weak premise, recycled jokes (one in the trailer is actually lifted straight from Bridget Jones' Diary), and no real narrative hook.

No they'll blame Sandra Bullock. And they won't even take partially responsibility for attempting to continually shove the aging actress (who seems to have chosen Plastic Surgery over the Aging Gracefully route) into younger and younger roles instead of trying out some fresh new talent.

So fear not, movie-goers. You might get the same recycled crap shoved down your throat at the theater next year, but you can rest assured that there will be new shiny happy faces in those lead roles to make the bitter pill a tad easier to swallow.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Classic Bad Cinema: Dr. Caligari

Image via Wikipedia

I still remember this gem from when it hit the video stores while I was still in high school. Written and directed by Stephen Sayadian, who was also responsible for the classic adult features Cafe Flesh and Nightdreams (both under the pseudonym Rinse Dream), this is an ultra-surreal pop sequel (supposedly) to The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.

In this new wave followup, the descendant of the original Dr. Caligari (Madeleine Reynal in her only starring role) is a sex-obsessed psychiatrist whose controversial experiments invloving electroshock treatment and hypothalamus injections is concerning her fellow physicians. There really isn't much else to say about the film; most of it is intentionally and blissfully inexplicable. A bizarre cross betwen Pee-Wee's Playhouse and Behind the Green Door, it's hard to attempt calling this a bad film. On the contrary, it is more possible that this film does exactly what Sayadian intended it to. And if you figure out what that is, be sure to let me know.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Bad Movie Night Video Review of Tron and Tron Legacy

Image via Wikipedia

For those faithful readers of This Movie Sucks, you'll be glad to know that we are currently undertaking some major changes that will hopefully expand our constantly growing audience by at least seventeen people! While it would be a shame to tip our hand too soon, we'd like to share one of our latest media tests, as it were.

Some of you might remember S. Michael Wilson's past stab at video blog entries. With that past experiment in mind, please take a look at our latest attempt at breaking the fourth wall by filming a video introduction for our outdoor screening of Tron at last weeks Bad Movie Night. Production values might still seem a tad rough, but just think of any substabdard filming as a tribute to Roger Corman. Squinting never hurts, either.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Bad Movie DVD Releases for August 4

Brace yourself, folks! New DVDs are on the way! If you thought that bad movies were restricted to '60s science fiction, '70s martial arts, and '80s teen comedies, then get ready for the awful reality, that there is always a new bad movie just around the corner! Check out what cinematic atrocities are hitting the shelves this week:

Race to Witch Mountain - Starring Dwayne Johnson, Carla Gugino, AnnaSophia Robb, and Alexander Ludwig.

Every six months, a Disney executive wonders aloud "I wonder what classic slice of cinema in our film vaults we haven't bent over a table and anally raped with a huge CGI budget yet?" This past summer, the answer came back Escape to Witch Mountain, which they changed to Race, I'm assuming because Escape didn't test well. The lesson learned? The Rock is not a suitable

Cover via Amazon

replacement for Jason O'Day, no matter what the predicament.

Obsessed - starring Beyoncé Knowles, Idris Elba, Ali Larter, and Jerry O'Connell.

In 1987, Michael Douglas lived every Professional White Male's ultimate fear; a business-trip one-night-stand coming back to haunt him. Now, twenty years later, Beyonce (which I am assuming is simply French for Bouncy) lives the fear of every Professional Black Male's Wife; white women. If Spike Lee had directed Disclosure, it might have looked something like this.

Big Trouble in Little China - starring Kurt Russell, Kim Cattrall, Dennis Dun, and James Hong.

The ultimate guilty pleasure of every schlock movie fanatic, and arguably the Kim Cattrall's only decent contribution to cinema, finally hits Blu-ray! As Jack Burton would say, "Son of a bitch must pay."

Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! Season Three

The fact that these two untalented tools somehow managed to not only get their own television show, but now have DVD box sets of that show, is further proof to me that we live in a godless void of a universe, devoid of justice or goodness on any spiritual level.

Cover of Mimic

Mutant Chronicles - starring Thomas Jane, Ron Perlman, and John Malkovich

Now available on DVD and Blu-ray. This film had its theatrical release bumped, and premiered on the SyFy channel. 'Nuff said.

Blade II - starring Danny John-Jules, Thomas Kretschmann, Ron Perlman, and Wesley Snipes.

Crappy sequel #6,723 gets the Blu-ray treatment. Utilizing several crappy sequel cliches, including Kriss Kristofferson in the ever popular role of "Hey, didn't you die in the first film?"

Mimic - starring F. Murray Abraham, Josh Brolin, Charles S. Dutton, and Alix Koromzay.

More often than not, Josh Brolin's name in the cast role is not a good sign for movie-viewers. Combine a Josh Brolin role with giant killer cockroaches that disguise themselves as trench coat-wearing subway commuters? You're gonna lose. Guillermo del Toro's direction (his ever-present generation gap duo) make this film watchable, but that's as far as I'll go.

There's more, but we should probably stop there. Don't worry, there will be plenty more next week.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Weekend Box Office Estimates 7/24 - 7/26

1 G-Force BV $32,152,000
2 Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince WB $30,000,000
3 The Ugly Truth Sony $27,000,000
4 Orphan WB $12,770,000
5 Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs Fox $8,200,000
6 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen P/DW $8,000,000
7 The Hangover WB $6,465,000
8 The Proposal BV $6,423,000
9 Public Enemies Uni. $4,170,000
10 Bruno Uni. $2,719,000

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Schwarzenegger and the End of Days

While working on an article this morning, I was reminded of Arnold Schwarzenegger's biblical

Image via Wikipedia

apocalypse action-fest End of Days. Obviously, the need to share my feelings about the film was overwhelming.

In what was most likely an attempt for Arnold to break out of the comical role that he had portrayed in more than half of his last dozen films, his leading role in End of Days is that of a dark, brooding, depressed man who is still emotionally haunted by the death of his wife and daughter. Unfortunately, the cliche riddled film does little to shake off the stigma of redundancy by also including his character as an abrasive ex-cop who doesn't play by the rules, Satan on Earth portrayed as a suave businessman, an "end of days" scenario that involves Christmas and New Years Eve, and a race to save the world that involves plenty of gun fights and action sequences.

On a refreshing note, Gabriel Byrne gleefully refuses to break out of his rut of mundane monotone acting as he plays an earthbound Satan that displays his potential for evil by being deviously untruthful and sleeping with a woman and her daughter at the same time, criteria which would wold probably nominate at least a hundred or so current and former CEOs and politicians for the position of Ruler of Hell.

There's a lot to groan about in End of Days. It is the kind of film that unflinchingly declares its comfortableness with mediocre screenwriting at the beginning, when it has Arnold throw a slice of cold pizza in a blender for a breakfast shake to demonstrate his character's lack of predictability and adherence to convention, and the proceeds the keep the intelligence level of the film's story at a Tales from the Crypt level of sophistication and depth.

Not that one usually expects sophistication and depth from a Schwarzenegger film. But when push comes to shove, End of Days is philosophically inferior to The 6th Day, less plausible than Total Recall, and not even remotely frightening as Junior.

I dare you to deny the crappy of that.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Weekend Box Office Estimates 7/3 - 7/5

1 Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs Fox $42,500,000
2 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen P/DW $42,500,000
3 Public Enemies Uni. $26,172,000
4 The Proposal BV $12,779,000
5 The Hangover WB $10,415,000
6 Up BV $6,579,000
7 My Sister's Keeper WB $5,255,000
8 The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 Sony $2,500,000
10 Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian Fox $2,100,000