Moviesucktastic: Valentine's Day

Showing posts with label Valentine's Day. Show all posts

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Weekend Box Office: Cameron's Cave Conquered by Crazy Coeds!

Image via WikipediaJoy of Joys! Valentine's Day came early for your Moviesucktastic hosts Joey and Scott, as the estimates of this weekend's Box Office take clearly show that Mr. Avatar's newest 3D offering has been soundly thrashed by the only film daring to challenge it by opening on the same weekend! Who would have predicted (besides us, of course) that James Cameron's harrowing spelunker adventure (based ever-so-loosely on actual events) Sanctum would lose at the box office opening weekend to the Collegiate version of Single White Female, The Roommate? Sanctum may have been a small film for James "Four Years to Film Giant Smurfs" Cameron, but having his $30 million dollar soundly trounced by a film that cost half of that has to sting just a little, especially when the main draw is the decidedly un-CGI Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly sleeping in the same bed. Let's hope Kathryn Bigelow phoned James "Hurt Locker Would Have Been Better In 3D" Cameron this morning and told him to suck it.

Maybe you can blame this one on the titles. Considering the literacy rates in America (just mention subtitles to a prospective audience member and watch them run screaming into the night), titling a film Sanctum is definitely a risk, especially when you consider that you've just saddled a film featuring cave divers with a name that sounds uncomfortably close to Rectum (no doubt the name of the XXX parody already being written in Larry Flynt's deviant little mind). Perhaps he had gained some confidence regarding the title after the success of Inception, not fully grasping how long American film audiences would put up with theater marquees resembling SAT questions. So when it came to picking a film to watch this weekend, most moviegoers no doubt decided to forgo the time it would take to look up the definition of "Sanctum" (noun: 1. a sacred or holy place, 2. an inviolably private place or retreat) and just opted for the blatantly obvious and descriptively titled film. Then again, maybe they're just fed up with all of this 3D crap.

Behind that little chocolate coated goodness, there are no real surprises this weekend. A number of the top ten films are Oscar nominees, as is to be expected, although Ashton Kutcher still holds the title of King of the January Release with No Strings Attached at #3. The King's Speech rides it's Oscar Nominations with pride at #4, and the thankfully Kevin Smith unrelated Green Hornet flounders in mediocrity at #5, looking very unlikely to earn its Hardee's-sponsored money back.

On a side note, I think it is worth pointing out that out of the top twelve films this weekend, only one of them boasts a budget of over $100 million (with no hope of earning its money back), and nine of them at under $50 million, with the three costing under $20 million already grossing more than the budget of the disappointing Tron: Legacy. So much for 3D. Suck it, Cameron.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

This Valentine's Day, Give the Gift of Penis

Or, to be more precise, give the gift of MovieSucktastic Episode #11, the Valentine's Day Special. The focus of this episode? Full frontal male nudity in film.

In their last episode, Joey and Scott spent a fair amount of time discussing the lengthy nude wrestling scene between Oliver Reed and Alan Bates in the Ken Russel film Women in Love. As much as they tried to put it behind them, this flagrant display of thespian penises left a taste in their mouths that they simply couldn't ignore. The idea of full frontal male nudity in films kept growing in their minds, until it was far too hard to keep down. Finally, the decision was made: A Penis Episode must be recorded.

Here it is, just in time for Valentine's Day, an episode sure to fully satisfy the hopeless romantic residing deep inside you. In this special Valentine Day Penis Episode, Joey and Scott take a long, hard look at the films in which they have been exposed to male genitalia in their cinematic past, stretching from the recent viewing of Women in Love all the way back to their first traumatic childhood glimpses of nude actors in film.

So, join the proudly erect co-hosts of MovieSucktastic as they pay homage to the male actor's package this Valentine's Day. Download it from iTunes, Podcast Alley or Podcast.com, and give it to that special someone who makes you throb whenever they are near. They will thank you in the end.

Have a Penis Film that you think was unfairly overlooked? Share your soreness with Joey and Scott at themovieguys@moviesucktastic.com, and they'll do what they can to stroke your ego during the next podcast.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

My Bloody Valentine in 3D: Questionable Plot Point

Cover of My Bloody Valentine

I just had to express one (of many) of the problems I had with My Bloody Valentine in 3D, not because it makes no sense, but because it almost makes sense.

The initial idea on a bunch of miners being trapped in a tunnel collapse, and then one of them killing all of the others to conserve all of the oxygen for himself, is not wholly far fetched or fantastic. Taking it one step further and having the homicidal survivor mentally snap and run around in full miner's gear killing everyone he comes across with a pick axe is also quite credible. You could even stretch the psychosis of the killer to his fear that every living soul he comes across is yet another threat to his life as long as they are still breathing.

But, just because this traumatic event occurred on Valentin's Day, our demented killer is somehow motivated to cut the hearts out of his victims, place them in heart-shaped candy boxes, and leave behind notes that read "Be Mine 4 Ever?" There's not even any back story involving a bitter love affair or an unfaithful wife leaving him the day of the accident to make this drastic connection between the two events even somewhat plausible.

And just to add frustration to the confusion, why go through the trouble of having him leave notes behind with the clever word play involving Mine, bother to show him using the number 4 instead of spelling it out, then having the tragic event happen in Mine Shaft 5, and not Mine Shaft 4?

It is little things like this that add insult to the injuries left behind by bad movies such as this.